A sense of well-being, joy or contentment. -Dictionary definition.
I keep asking myself if I am happy with my life. I wonder if my job makes me happy. I wonder if my relationships -both romantic and platonic- make me happy. I wonder if my home makes me happy, the books I read, and the movies I watch.
I wonder if I am happy with the season I am in my life at the moment. I am constantly questioning if I am doing enough to make my life better. I am in a battle field with myself because at this point I feel I have more potential than I am letting out.
I have high expectations for my life and that is not always a good thing.
Sadness hits me like someone who has lost. It awakens emotions that I have buried deep. I feel it like someone who has lost a big part of her. Some days it feels like I have lost time-something that I can’t have back. I tend to think most losses are so-we can’t have what we lost-at least not in the exact form.
My Sadness is motivated by fear. Fear of never amounting to be a person who is better than I am today. I mourn that woman. I grieve her.
“If you don’t fear the unknown, the unknown will be kind to you.” Paulo Coelho
The sadness brings out the introvert in me, makes me crave solitude. I fall in love with thinking I am better off without the world. It’s better that way- being away from people who seem to have a place to be.
I like to say I was a happy child. I was content with life and then somewhere along the way sadness was introduced to me in a painful way -Loss. Now everything that happens to me takes me back to that day.
No one owes me happiness. Not my lover or my family or my job. I owe happiness to myself. All these questions of if they make me happy are just me deflecting from the one person who owes me joy- me.
I am striving for a better me, a happy me.
I am on a journey to identify what makes me happy so I can pursue it. It may sound selfish but I would be more selfish passing along a sad person to people I love. I want to know the places that bring me joy, the routine that satisfies my soul. I want to dance to music that moves my hips and makes me laugh from the stomach. I want to love myself in a way that makes me glow and my eyes light up like stars.
I am in the pursuit of my own happiness.