Dear Diary,I t’s yet another day working from home. It was fun the first days but now a week and few days later it’s getting scary. It feels like the disease (COVID-19) is killing our 2020 dreams as well as taking lives.
It’s insane. Numbers keep going up, people all over the world are dying and still no cure in sight.
I am still hopeful though. I have managed to stay sane and let go of what I can’t control. I love to be in control but this disease has taught me that no one is, but God. I am grateful that I have food, shelter, great health and internet. I don’t know about tomorrow but hey, I am alive today.
To feed my wandering mind, I have been working and also learning new skills. I changed careers and what that means, is I am learning more about this new field.
But, before I talk about the skills and the new job, let me catch you up on how I got here.
I had been toying around with the idea of quitting my job for more than a year but it never seemed like the right time. Fear and comfort always held me back. I would question my thoughts and convince myself that all I needed was to work harder and smarter. I worried about the possibility of losing a source of income.
I took the advice everybody gives, get a new job before quitting your current one. That’s a great advice and I applied for jobs and got some interviews that turned into nothing.
With no new job at sight, I felt I had to put up with my old one.
I did that, until I got to my breaking point. I hated going to work and would miss work for no apparent reason. I would be in great moods but once I got to the office my moods would go off. I started to dislike some of my colleagues and being around them was a trigger for me to be rude. I stopped being productive. I was very unhappy and had anxiety attacks more often.
Work suffered. I suffered. Then last year, late November I had a conversation with a friend who was a colleague. We were lamenting on how we had failed to achieve our goals for the year.
At the end of that conversation, we concluded that nothing changes if nothing changes. I ran with that.
I looked at my situation and analyzed everything? Where was I financially? To be honest with myself, I wasn’t doing well but I had a few savings.
What was the worst that could happen? I would have to go back home.
I also wrote down every single project I wanted to start. I decided to dedicate December figuring out who I was and what I wanted my 2020 to look like.
Then, I started praying. I prayed to God for a sign, I prayed that He let me see myself as He did. I was ready to surrender. I was ready to start all over again but I needed peace. I needed to find my purpose. I needed to do something I loved and I needed financial freedom.
I knew neither would come easily but at that moment I only needed a sign to know if leaving my job was a good idea.
That Sunday when I went to church, the pastor had a word for me. I remember He spoke on consulting God on everything, no matter how small the situation seemed. Before leaving Church, I asked God if I could have my sign the coming week.
I got my sign that Monday. My main boss, a woman whom I respected and who had mentored me a couple times asked to see me. She mentioned productivity as an agenda.
In our meeting, she expressed her dissatisfaction with my performance. I let her know that i felt the same way but had a solution; to quit.
I knew that was my sign when she didn’t object or try to advise me against it. I also felt peace that I couldn’t explain.
I later came to know that some office politics had influenced our talk that day. The next day she asked me to stay but under different terms. I thanked her and declined the offer.
(Please note by this time I had given my job my all and still felt it wasn’t for me. I just felt more empty)
This to me was a case of God using what the enemy meant for evil and turning it for good. I needed to have that first talk with my boss where she didn’t give me an option to stay. My time at that job was up and staying would have hurt me and led to bad relationships.
I decided to choose myself, my happiness and my sanity over staying employed.
When I quit my job, I didn’t have a job to go into. I wasn’t even sure about what I was to do but I had faith. I knew God was leading me. He had spoken and I had heard Him and was ready to surrender. I felt at peace.
I remember waking up that whole week and feeling like I was a new person. This must be how one feels when they give their burdens to God. I was not worried at all.
I remember having a conversation with close family and friends later on. They all panicked on my behalf. At that moment, I was glad that I had not consulted anyone but God, because this fear was what I didn’t need to stay.
Before the end of December I had figured out what my 2020 would look like. God’s word to me was Restoration.
“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast” 1 Peter 5:10
I called up a friend and got a chance to work with her and I am still working with her. I told a story on my instagram on how I became a model for a local brand. God is still working in me and showing up for me.
I know ‘Miss Rona’ has taken over the world but 2020 remains a year of restoration for me. It’s restoring me back to God, by strengthening my faith. Restoring back everything the locust ate.
I am not yet where I want to be, but one thing I am doing is playing my part. One of my bosses at the beginning of the year said, “You start something and it gets a life of its own.”
So who knows what I will be doing by the time we start leaving the house.
Anyway, dear Diary I have discovered that I am a rebel and I intend on staying that way.
New Rebel in Town