Broken Self

by Pauline

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I don’t know who emasculated you. I don’t know who defined a man to you. I don’t know who hurt you in your earlier years or recently. I have no idea why you have so much anger in you.

How is laying your hands on me therapy to you? Your blows leave me with scars that may define me for a long time. They lower my self-esteem. I have lost myself in you, so in order not to lose myself outside there, I lie for you.

I live in fear of a man who vowed to protect me at the altar. A man I have borne kids with in the hope of continuing our generation. A man I would have sworn I was made from his rib.

This man I call my boyfriend insults and hits me and yet I stay after a dinner at a 5-star hotel and a packet of chocolates with flowers sent to my office. We are not married yet but I believe he will change before then. He loves me, I can see it in his eyes. I can see the guilt in his eyes after he has hit me. This is our challenge, every relationship has one. We will overcome.

See, I don’t know who hurt you. I don’t know who took away your trust in men that you feel you need to protect yourself. I don’t know who taught you how to deal with men. I do not know why the anger in you makes you see me less of a man. Your words cut deeper than a knife. Your blows emasculate me. I cannot sit next to my fellow men and talk about traditions, politics, economics and other topics we engage in. I feel less of a human leave alone a man.

I know that I am enabling you with my silence. That is not my intention, I am only doing so to save my face or at least what is left after you devour me. I am also trying to convince myself that you will change. That you will see the woman you fell in love with. I am afraid of what society will say, that I couldn’t keep a man.

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I am scared of being alone and never finding a soul mate, because what if you are my soul mate? I am scared that my aunt will say I told you so, you know the one who saw you grab my hand violently at the family event. I am scared that my life will change financially, how will I provide for myself leave alone our children? I am scared that our children will have to change schools and that may affect them in their academics. I don’t want them to have an ordinary life.

I am silent because men are supposed to endure pain. How do I start in the middle of a football match with my boys to say my woes at home? I am ashamed but I do not have a voice. I will lose my seat where real men sit. I will be called names by my friends and laughed at for a long time. My ancestors may even deny me, God forbid, if you be the cause I leave this world. How will I make another woman love me when I leave you? How do I get her to understand that I am broken but still a man?

I however have desired freedom for a long time. I am taking my life back. I have worshiped you and let you determine my fate. I have lived like a woman whose life is in the hands of a man. You have controlled me and it is enough. I will use my voice and tell the world what a coward you are to fight with an unarmed party. You do not see my worth at all.

I will leave because despite of what society has to say they do not know what I endure behind those four walls that I am supposed to call home. I will leave because despite of the financial security you give me it has not been enough to buy peace or happiness. I will let my children have a change in their lifestyle but grow as healthy kids.

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I desire a bright future for them and having you as an example of what a man is for my son does more damage to him. I cannot let you be what my daughter will look for in a man because she knows no better.

I will leave because you laying your hands on me as my boyfriend shows me the kind of husband you will make.
I want my freedom despite of what society will say about me. I am a man because I am not afraid to say that I am broken. I am a man because I fully comprehend that only I can save myself.

I understand that I am weak when I hide the ugly side of my life. I can be redeemed. I can become the man that I am destined to be.  As a man I understand that in order to do so I have to acknowledge that I am broken.

Now, I forgive you, because only then do I attain my freedom. I know you are broken. I cannot save you and neither can the next person who comes in your life. I want you to know that you have the power to save yourself. Release the anger inside you, seek help, it’s the only gift you can give yourself right now.

God, not society can judge us. He loves us enough to forgive us, He is waiting to embrace you no matter how lost you feel. Do not stay in an abusive marriage or relationship. Above all the greatest is love. Love is many things but pain. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
image source: Real is me

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1 comment

faicy August 30, 2016 - 9:32 am

A man who lays his hands on a woman is a coward, for lack of a better word.

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