He is right. I know you have heard great songs, poems and read books written after a heartbreak and they were a masterpiece.
I have had great and bad relationships in my 20s. I am not married-yet- but before you drag me for daring to talk about love keep in mind, the coach never plays. I’m kidding. I am not a coach and I want to play.
I just happen to be a 20 something who will let you learn from her love life. After all, they say the greatest teacher is failure.
Here are 6 lessons I have learnt when it comes to love.
Heartbreaks Don’t Last Forever
It takes time, just not forever. After you have cried yourself to sleep, had all the ice cream flavors and binge watched the notebook; move on! I know your heart feels heavy and you have sworn not to let it fall again but really, let go.
Always remember that just as Jay Shetty says,” Love didn’t hurt you, someone who doesn’t know how to love did!”
I have learnt the key to moving on is forgiveness. Forgive yourself for letting them fool you and then forgive them for fooling you.
Always remember that sometimes, God removes people we idolize and people we were never meant to be with, to protect us.
A few tears and a poem and you are good to go. Move on!
Don’t Try to Change People
I loved a guy. He was warm, had a beautiful laugh-straight from the stomach-like it should. He had white, kind eyes and always knew what to say. He was a great lover and somehow our stars always aligned until they didn’t.
He wanted hot sweet-coffee and I loved tea-hot sugarless ginger tea. I tried to make him love Chimamanda as much as I did but he was stuck on Biko.
All I am saying is he was a great guy just not for me. I could try to change him or he could try to change me and believe me, we tried. We got hurt and then we let go.
I have learnt that love calls for compromise just not on everything. Some things are just a red flag, shouting this is not the destination, keep going.
Be With a Lover Who Lifts You up
I mean, a cheerleader who lifts you up. 20s are hard and they will be harder if you are with someone who thinks you are not good.
I don’t need someone who massages my ego or lies to me but when I am trying my hustle, gas me up lover. Be a shoulder to lean on when life drags me down, I will do the same.
When you have someone you keep trying to prove yourself to, you will burn out.
Stop Looking For Validation From Fellow Humans
If I could tell my younger self anything it’s that men don’t validate you. I have had this discussion with my peers (ladies) and we have acknowledged depending on men way too much than we should.
“I am starting a project do you mind having a look and tell me your thoughts?”
“Do you think I should take this job?” Sounds familiar ladies?
Ask God first not that man. The man may want the best for you but God knows best. Discuss it with your lover just don’t go looking for validation.
Before you commit, before you MCM/WCW, ask questions. It’s the only way to know someone and understand if you are on the same page.
I could tell you a sad story of how I hurt someone who didn’t ask me what I wanted and I failed them or vice versa. I won’t because I am pretty sure we have read that story in our own book.
Ask what they stand for? Listen, then commit or say goodbye.
Assumptions destroy friendships and relationships. They lead to one having expectations from their partner who are oblivious of what you want from them.
Get Ready For The Person You Want
I used to think that a man will make me happy; that my husband will bring me closer to God. I had an idea of how this great guy would help me discover my purpose.
It took listening to a couple of podcasts-love and relationship ones- and listen to couples to discover that, that was the biggest misconception about marriage. That it’s actually a union of two whole people coming together.
Marriage is not just some wish list. I discovered that this great guy I want, who is far from mediocrity; isn’t looking for mediocrity either.
Heart check right there.
At this age, I know that I can’t have high expectations of someone when I am not putting in work and living my best life even without them.
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